98 - dissecting respect 4 (fear)

When and as I see myself acting on a decision within avoidance based on the belief and fear of not being able to relate to people in the context of what is respectable or acceptable, I stop in the act of dismissing this relationship altogether and stand as the point of open interaction without prejudice.

When and as I see myself acting within the defensive pattern based on the belief and fear of being psychologically or physically dominated, I stop within awareness of physically integrated self-victimization in the context of physical/verbal abuse as a reflection/projection to be articulated and actively confronted rather than passively avoided.

When and as I see myself indulging in the fixation of self-hate in the context of fear of becoming my father within judgment as a character addicted to self-consuming resentment, regret and sarcasm, I stop within seeing how useless characteristics are cultivated through accumulated fear and resistance in some form or another.

When and as I see myself acting in judgment and fear of vacuity, I stop within avoidance of this experience that I create within myself in the context of judgment of wasting time in another’s presence based on an idea of respect, and remain grounded in the physicality of the moment, open to interaction/confrontation with whatever/whomever I would have associated with fear of loss in relation to the experience of vacuity.

When and as I see myself living a decision based on fear of dehumanization, I stop within recognition of it as vulnerability and remain grounded and open to direct expression.

When and as I see myself avoiding direct self-honesty in regards to the memory of childhood relationships in the context of respect within the judgment that it’s a waste of time, I slow down and stop to focus on what has been physically integrated and take the time to deconstruct it.

When and as I see myself reinforcing the pattern of self-diminishment and frustration based on suppressed memories of physical inferiority and helplessness, I stop myself within a perception that only reinforces the habitual experience of security.

When and as I see myself reinforcing the silent mirror character within myself in order to ‘deflect,’ or avoid, a self-created experience of disempowerment or vulnerability, I stop within the basic judgment of expression as my own abuser for which I’ve held others accountable or unforgiven.

When and as I see myself reinforcing the character of inferiority, I stop within awareness of using self-deprecation as manipulation to justify responsibility of direct communication without fixating on presentation and reaction.

When and as I see myself in the act of silence and withdrawal in the vicinity of others from the starting point of wanting to deprive ‘them’ of the use of a character or strawman to indulge in petty power games, I stop within seeing that this doesn’t exclude me from physical communication which takes place with or without words.

When and as I see myself entertaining the fantasy of others seeing themselves as I would have judged them, I stop within projecting and perpetuating the past through the mind and return to the physical moment.

I commit to embrace conflict and feedback beyond any projection of respect, receptive without judgment and future projection, while aware of the past tendency of making it into a pattern-reinforcing exercise in avoidance and character cultivation.

I commit to the redefinition of respect in terms of self-honest humility and being willing to see any disposition or characters aside from my own without judgment.

I commit to further articulating what I’ve allowed to remain silent within myself, aware of the consequences of maintaining a state of suppression and vague abstraction that I’ve defined myself as, particularly in relationship to my family, and regardless of judgmental patterns and reactions to what is exposed.

I commit to slowing down to remain grounded in the physicality of communication beyond circuitous thought patterns and selective perception, without judgment of my own physical reactions toward the presence or proximity of another.

97 - dissecting respect 3 (fear)

re-spect’ v. 1, treat with special consideration or high regard; heed. 2, have reference to, relate to. – n. 1, high esteem, courteous or considerate treatment. 2, a point; particular; a feature 3, (pl.) compliments.

re-spect’-able adj. 1, worthy of esteem; highly regarded. 2, decent. 3, fairly good or large. – re-spect’a-bil’i-ty

re-spect’-ful adj. deferential.

(The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary, Fourth Edition)

This is on my relationship to and definition of respect in the context of fear rooted in childhood memory of experience, and how I designed and conditioned myself accordingly. There’s resistance to write or talk about ‘the father’ as I always referred to him, because ‘my father’ would have sounded disgusting and vacuous - ‘disgusting’ in terms of the smell of alcohol, cigarettes, abusive physical proximity, the sound of his voice that I hear in my own, and ‘vacuous’ in terms of the slow, slurred sarcasm and 1000-yard stare that I interpreted as a projection of how I am just another fucked-up thing that happened to him in his life, and so his communication with me would seem to remain on that level of mutually deprecating, sadomasochistic drunken condescension. I haven’t considered the aspect of fear in this relationship, mostly just the feeling of repulsion toward someone so ostensibly vacuous and complacent within wasting himself away. I remember that it seemed like there were certain rules that I had to follow, such as that if I hit him in the face then the pain he was inflicting would escalate or continue longer, or if my brother and I were too loud then he would scream, which was pretty intimidating at the time. Whatever experience of fear there was toward him at the time was sort of offset by the tone of sarcastic banter that he would speak to me in, even while sober.

I stopped responding to his way of interacting with me after seeing that there was virtually no way to respond to it without feeling stupid, which seemed like the kind of relationship he wanted to have with me, where in his mind the idea would be that we would eventually just bury the past in bullshit, which seemed to be the meaning of life at the end of the day. This went in contradiction to whatever unarticulated religious ideas my mother seemed to represent as my Sunday School teacher, but basically I just didn’t care for being talked to that way, especially when I’m not really learning anything useful from these people who were supposed to be my parents. And that has been the judgment that I’ve nurtured in some form or another since maybe the age of twelve, when I started becoming fixated on the thought and justification of never having asked to be born, and practicing silence around them as a form of passive vindication.

Somewhere in my mind I had the impression that in order for it to qualify as ‘abuse’ it would have to be driven by anger, whether or not the abuser is intoxicated. So it was somewhat surreal and confusing to process, as I have placed my childhood experience in this context of it being a seemingly impossible disposition to articulate given the cognitive dissonance, so I preferred the self-experience of feeling ostracized and bitter because it went more with the theme of unforgiving contempt that was easier than going through this kind of forensic study of who I am and what I allowed within the experience, forgiving and so on.

So while growing up I found the silent treatment as the way to deprive him of this relationship that he was trying to bind me in, while depriving myself of answering to it, as if to outlast the moments of physical bondage which, as something in the past, I would never forgive either of us for. The emptiness that I associated him with was something that I wanted to exceed him in by becoming empty myself, redefining it in this context of subtle vengeance, projecting myself as empty so that I could play the silent mirror to him of the past and this relationship that didn’t have to happen.   

Fear took the form of my judgment of him as being pitiful and pathetic, not only in the context of indulging in drunken power trips of physical domination with his children, but also in the dichotomy of how I saw him in public in contrast to how I saw him at home. In public, I noticed the contrived sociable personality with the subtle hints of self-pity, and I remember studying closely these interactions, wondering why he was the way he was, while perceiving and believing the people he was interacting with as more grounded or genuine somehow, because I didn’t consider the possibility that the people he was interacting with could have a similar dichotomy, much less a multidimensional personality ‘profile.’ I assumed it was who they must be all the time because the adults as giant authority figures had such convincing masks of what was defined as respectability. 

There was fear within what I’ve seen and judged of him within myself in sound of voice, expression, sarcasm, interaction, self-victimizing deprecation, and the fear of becoming destitute and antisocial, what we have been brought up to think of as a deadbeat. I had little or no desire or intentions to ‘earn’ his respect because it seemed conceptual and would have meant little or nothing to me. It didn’t make much sense, after the parents divorced, that I would have to sit in a room with him every so often and watch him get wasted, since I was told ‘he’s your father after all.’ I noticed the hypocrisy in how the mother doesn’t have the same apparent obligation as the child to sit in a room with this character while he gets wasted, but didn’t say anything. I would silently go along with the charade and if I didn’t feel to oppressed within the experience of absolute boredom and misery that I created within myself I would stay busy in my mind somehow with fantasies of things I wanted to do to him and so forth, not really considering at the time how to get over it, maybe because I’m referring to pubescence at this point and there was no way I would have known otherwise.

At the time I had no idea why he was who I perceived him to be, aside from knowing that he had been to Vietnam and injured somehow, but having no other reference or explanation to go with this, although it makes more sense now in the context of what I’ve learned since then, as far as the psychological effects of war, lack of information accessibility, as well as the understanding that he perhaps couldn’t have known any better at the time, and that we were allowing ourselves to be taken for a ride by our own characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself in my relationship as a child to the image of my father in fear based on memories of the character that I saw him as, supplementing diminishment with avoidance as the roots of the definition, identity and image that I cultivated within myself, participating in this without question instead of placing the abuse into words to break the pattern within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the idea of empowerment within projecting a silent mirror to mask self-judgment and insecurity, waiting for others to see themselves the way judgment seems to hang in the self-conditioned narrative of my mind in order to mask and suppress the experience of self-degradation in relation to the character relationships of avoidance within my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge who I am within memories of abuse and condescension as something pathetic and diminishing as though it fails to align with the image of who I am supposed to be as thick-skinned behind a silent mask based on fear of vulnerability that is rooted in being physically dominated within the house I have rigidly defined myself in relationship to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, to associate males in my family with pain in relation to memories of abuse, and from this creating the belief that silence and withdrawal is my defense as well as vindication, that by depriving the ‘abusers’ of what I imagine/perceive/manifest as what they need me to be through locking up, that I could turn the relationship into something where I would make this statement as a silent character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bury the roots of insecurity being a character at the mercy of another character within games of physical domination that I never wanted to participate in, believing it’s necessary to starve this character within myself through the abstractions of silence, withdrawal and self-mutilation, defining myself within this elusive and conceptual redefinition of abuse as a drug of the mind in the sense of conditioning myself to process abuse with euphoria.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my relationship with respect and integrity in accordance with what I have been exposed and introduced to from childhood, in terms of physical or mental manipulative prowess within a microcosm without consideration of the whole, wherein this construct of respect/integrity in the context of superiority/inferiority is practically functionless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see relationships as too caught up in the character to change in the midst of without humiliation and shame, which are self-created as defense mechanisms to keep the uselessness of these relationship threads intact and in separation of physicality.

96 - dissecting respect 2

Respect didn’t have much of a definition in my earliest memories, so there wasn’t much to strive toward, compete for, be defensive/offensive against or cultivate a personality within. After those first few years, the primary familial model for respect was maybe my grandfather who I saw during holidays, and this respect was a combination of admiration and intimidation for his quite, detached, disciplined character, and though I rarely ever talked with him that became like one of my first benchmarks for respect.

There was probably a time where I enjoyed being around my father but I can only recall a few moments in my earliest memories until they became all about him sitting in the living room drinking, smoking, watching television and making random sarcastic statements, calling me ‘dumb’ because I was a child, etc. There were the rituals where he would summon me over to him and I would sort of dutifully or gullibly walk over and fall for the abuse trap. As I grew older into first and second grade, I wanted less and less to do with him, and was relieved when he finally moved out of the house somewhere when I was around the age of 8-10. Aside from the aspect of the relationship to him as the ‘original provider’ of the family, since he didn’t seem to have much respect for himself and was content to wallow in the downward spiral, my judgment of this has been based on fear of what I wouldn’t want to exist as, which has been something that I’ve unconsciously cultivated within myself in terms of self-hate. It may be that I had developed a certain ‘victim’ mentality from the abuse, which sort of grew within me in terms of identity, and from which I found myself becoming a target for other seemingly random forms of it, within which I eventually grew to preoccupy and define myself within avoidance of this. These moments became memories that I would replay over and over in my mind like a record of abuse, and much of childhood after fourth or fifth grade became about trying to understand who I am as a character in relation to characters in the context of abuse, and the ideal projected force field of contempt and avoidance.

Within the age-segregated public school environment there was the usual fear and trepidation toward boys who were older and bigger, and I avoided them when possible, except when they were unavoidable, such as while walking to school. Once in a while one of these superior children would play the bully and sometimes I would make a smart-ass reply as my way of standing my ground and it would lead to the other kid threatening to beat me or something and I would either walk away or stand there and wait for the charade to end, feeling embarrassed and disgusted within myself for participating in it. Within this, I developed a certain fear-based ‘respect’ for abuse itself, and coming from seeing it as something greater than me, looking to become ‘one and equal’ with it in my tunnel vision understanding at the time, with the idea of somehow mastering it within myself, like the starting point for self-abuse to prove to myself that I’m the undisputed master of it.

There were the times where I actually wanted to align myself with something that was respectable by society’s standards, as in the military system from which I was disqualified due to self-created scars, and after this I had given up, in a sense, on much of my previous construct of respect. Having failed time and again at aligning with something ‘greater than myself,’ I just became more cynical while adding more scars to the collection. One of the new benchmarks at this point for how I wanted to exist was projected or demonstrated by those who seemed completely oblivious to any and all forms of judgment, since they had their own creative side to them that granted them virtual immunity. And this was somewhat in contrast to those who seemed untouchable in the characters they had cultivated within family systems that I envied, untouchable in the sense that they seemed to have this halo of magnanimity that blessed them with eloquence and amiable conduct, and seemed to be part of a healthy feedback system where their diligence was always rewarded by the system that they functioned so well within. Ultimately, I didn’t see myself fitting into this spectrum anywhere, not even in the cult of ‘creative social detachment,’ because of how I saw myself as a face in the mirror, voice, mind and expression. I saw myself as something that shouldn’t exist, and so the ‘creative’ and abusive outlets were a way to justify all that into a character cultivation process wherein I could at least tolerate my own experience of this.

Juxtaposing this image of myself as a child with the ideas and images of who I am as well as whatever I cannot be as a future projected ideal because what I’ve perceived as ‘social skills’ seem to require a pretence that I’ve judged as a mask and character based on the rules of self-definition that I had established for myself as they pertain to this virtual incompatibility with a community that I defined myself in separation from.

I’ve been looking at respect as something defined in terms of social approval and camaraderie than in terms of being honest with oneself, and my judgment was cynicism. Part of the ‘collective will’ has been to be positively associated with respectable people in public in order to establish a sense of confidence and self-assurance, and I’ve fallen for this before in spite of my judgment about it. The starting point within the effort to cultivate motivation, persistence, achievement, and pride often seems rooted in the avoidance of social ostracism, mockery, and isolation, as in the judgment of my father and as well as in relation to war in the broad context.

Despite the premise within much of what is presented as socially respectable as contributing to the bright future of ‘expanded consciousness and unification’ in a technotopia where everything will be magically sorted out, as this collective we’re stranded in our own accumulating mess. Respect can begin to be redefined in terms of humility to admit to self when past belief systems and characters have proven useless, abusive and dysfunctional therefore not worth holding sacred, as well as the discipline to forgive within confronting self and other directly without masks, the self-honest diligence to physically act on words and the consistence to follow through indefinitely one at a time instead of waiting for 'everyone else.' 

95 - dissecting respect

Becoming an acceptable character to avoid as much (self-) incrimination as possible may involve some process of identification with something seen as greater than self, or larger than life, in order to avoid any sense of vulnerability or diminishment instead of accepting ‘who I am’ as no more or less than life without dependency on the social constructs pride or respect. The projection of cynicism and contempt that relates to this is that of self-judgment in the perceived mirror of culture where virtually everything is defined by appearance.

My ideas of respect in the ‘positive’ have been largely based on admiration of someone else’s temperament, creativity or capacity to articulate in a way that seemed to cut through a lot of the perceived pettiness within myself that I derived from my father. Whatever disposition or process the role models might have gone through that enabled them with these characteristics seemed elusive, it was because of how I saw myself as a thing that can’t realistically be respected in any way that I would prefer based on the self-diminishing justifications within the perception of ‘who I am’ as awkward and wretched according to the respect-o-meter that I used to gauge other people.

Moments of abuse would accumulate as a mental record collection of things that were said or acted out ‘toward me’ throughout the process of growing up, and the tendency within this was to design a character that justified the avoidance of such momentary experiences, which would require a full-time process of devotion. Based on this, I developed the belief system that conflicts are pointless and that to be the silent observer must be the most reliable grounding. The abuse always seemed so petty and groundless and I didn’t bother to put it into words, in other words it became suppressed through this judgment, since writing it out may have spoiled the character.

Compensation for what I saw myself as lacking in acceptability was sought through the private imaginative self-trolling process intended to make myself inviolate to what I perceived as forms of abuse separate from myself. Obviously it would easier to move through the perceived pointlessness of confrontation and confront a human being in the moment, considering how these characters are cultivated through a relationship of mutual acceptance.

The ingredients that I cherry-picked for the ideal silent/inviolate character have been readily provided throughout culture, particularly in relation to the metal and horror genres as well as comic books. For a while, the vague idea of what I wanted to do with myself involved becoming a comic book artist and drawing the kinds of graphic material that I would revisit over and over again to measure myself up against to affirm that I was somehow in a completely different process than that of ‘everyone else,’ and I liked how art and music could be used as references to mold the perception of the relationship between self and other to create and establish that separation.

The deliberate dishonesty of this was based on the confusion of imagination with suppression. A process of making something of myself in this world would require absolute commitment and self trust that seemed elusive, conceptual, and compromised within this persistent mentality of loathing and contempt within and without. I wanted to redefine self-respect in order to compensate for what I’ve hated about myself which has been just about virtually everything, and what I also saw as lacking in validity or conviction toward anything I was remotely good at. The pattern of being quiet and isolated developed out of blind trust in the idea that the process of cultivating any worthwhile contribution to society/self-interest would be best followed through in isolation while supposedly making myself immune to the construct of respect as well as its polar opposite. It illustrates the usual blind suppression, separation and self-consumption as well as lack in understanding or willful ignorance of the consequences of what was participated in. 

94 - mask of silent observation 4

I commit to the simplicity of the physical act of speaking in a moment to break the ice of physically integrated patterns in order to establish communication which will never come by itself via waiting for it to happen, but accepting the responsibility to be the one to break the spell of any perceived agreement of mutual suppression and avoidance.

I commit to following through with the understanding of how I have perpetuated the memory of who I have been in relationship to other people instead of seeing how I’m not physically defined by the context that I perceive in a moment, situation or environment beyond the extent of how I’ve conditioned myself to respond within patterns that can be interrupted in a moment.

I commit to remaining grounded and honest with myself while open to interaction, embracing the uncertainty of the moment instead of using it as a justification to remain silent and distant and absorbed in the self-consciousness of who I am as an image in my mind in relationship to the others in the same context, situation or environment.

I commit to embracing the self-directive process of deconstructing and articulating conditioned prejudices and stereotypes instead of allowing myself to suppress, integrate and allow them to evolve into self-consuming definitions and patterns that become fuel for an experience separate from physical reality.

I commit to awareness in the starting point of humor from the point of stability and willingness to establishing direct communication without fear of the ensuing feedback instead of as a means to establish or reinforce a polarity through forcefully break the ice from a starting point of projected judgment based on an interpretation of a self-manifested experience.

I commit to awareness of the origin of silence as projected self-image conscious judgment as my ‘own worst critic’ that I’ve cultivated and conditioned within myself based on reaction toward past moments of verbal and physical abuse within which I caricaturized myself through memory and fantasy rehearsal, evolving it into void of faceless insults to function as the virtual enforcement of silence.

I commit to awareness of the system in which I participate and the practical direction that must be taken to walk through patterns of self-imposed silence, non-intervention and momentary mutual stand-offs through making a single decision to speak in a moment and ask the ‘naïve’ questions without trepidation toward inevitable feedback in whatever form it is presented.

I commit to the embrace of the unpredictable nature of feedback in a moment that would have typically gone against my preference as a character to be in complete control of self-image and how it apparently holds up within social contexts instead of reserving self-honesty as the starting point for open communication.

I commit to awareness of how I’ve normalized a state of silent distance and separation from other people through projected self-conscious judgment that would have been based on avoidance of myself within the reflection of feedback as the necessary aspect of communication that I’ve defined myself in avoidance of, instead of embracing it as the opportunity to cross the invisible lines of limitation as the separation of the self from physical communication and the relationship to money as a primary factor within this avoidance of the obvious things that have remained unsaid.

I commit to ending the pattern of waiting for something to happen from some external force, holding back out within lack of trust in my own validity or capacity to influence or manipulate the situation, instead of embracing the humility toward inevitable feedback that would define and complete it as interpersonal communication to bring the eventual clarity to the context of the moment.

93 - mask of silent observation 3

When and as I see myself in an imagined/speculated crossfire of projected and reflected stereotypes, I stop within the tendency to participate in this through using my imagination to avoid any experience of myself as the object of my own judgment instead of remaining grounded, open to interaction, and ready to speak, embracing the speculation of stereotypes as something to expose and deconstruct instead of using them as a justification to avoid relationships altogether.

When and as I see myself indulging in withdrawal and detachment, I stop within seeing the self-defining/diminishing pattern as it is in how I’ve deliberately and physically integrated it as a self-consuming projection of a force field to avoid direct communication through the hesitation to look at my own reactions within the reflection of others instead of remaining awake and grounded in the moment in order to be able to respond from a point of stability and willingness to expose the masks that I recognize within myself.

When and as I see myself indulging in the pattern and perception of the presence of others as a suppressant and impediment to expression, I stop within the future-projected hesitation to walk through the apparent futility of taking the responsibility to deconstruct and demystify the entire convolution of stereotypes and projection/reflection charades within myself instead of contributing toward mutual self-deceit.

When and as I see myself indulging in a state of inertia or preference to remain silent, reserved and passive when something is here to be said, I stop within seeing how the fear of participating in anything as a character has in itself been an aspect of participation as a supporting character for the status quo of mutual self-abuse under the impression that speaking is futile and that nothing I say will matter, instead of bypassing my own judgment and conditioning through saying it anyway.

When and as I see myself in the act of fixating on the imagined void or vacuum of silence when something remains to be said, I stop within the paranoia of the worst that can happen within being defined by my own words or misinterpreted and taken out of context within the mind of another, and make it a point to speak from the point of being honest with myself without allowing myself to be possessed and directed by indulging the critic that I have cultivated and integrated within myself, while articulating this as well.

When and as I see myself wanting to disappear or escape an encounter or situation so as to avoid any self-created experience or reflection in relationship to the expression of another, I stop myself within the belief of being unable to articulate anything in a moment without unwanted feedback that might go against some aspect of the image I have of myself, instead of walking through any future-projected idea of having to articulate any more than necessary and embracing any form of response without creating an experience out of it.

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression as the sound of my voice and choice of words as imagined under the scrutiny of my worst critic as myself, I stop within seeing this deliberate silent treatment as self-spite, as part of mental glue that holds together tunnel vision, and see that it’s a consistent process of exposing and dissecting such fear and hesitation within reactions and physically integrated/suppressed memories that would lead to further self-consumption if left unarticulated.

92 - mask of silent observation 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mistake introspection with aloofness, detachment and separation from other people in the environment, wherein it becomes defined as withdrawal in response to the habit of associating others with physically integrated memories of who I am in relation to other people, allowing this physical integration and conditioning to hijack self-direction instead of directing it myself from the redefinition of introspection in terms of walking through the uselessness of self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only open my mouth and speak alone to myself or in the company of very few people, perceiving the presence of people as a suppressant and impediment to open communication in this relationship to other people as myself and the stereotypes I have bound them to in thought patterns that, unarticulated, would only reinforce the frustration and contempt and perpetuate the circuit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am in a moment of potential interaction as not wanting to talk to people based on whatever combination of judgments and reactions I have formulated in my relationship to them, particularly that of the idea that talking is a lost cause and  waste of energy based on the belief that none of us may be receptive to anything approaching self-honesty which is perceived as the void that goes contrary to the idea of self as a character, thus remaining what I would refuse to see as a deindividuated silent mask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself as a nameless, inaccessible character in society with a secret history, cultivating a mask based on this relationship with other people who are not me that is based on the separation from my own voice to say what must be said regardless of how it sounds or who it offends, articulating any hesitation to point out the obvious in the moment instead of perpetuating the reaction of inertia toward the perception of each relationship being insoluble and virtually beyond the point of giving a fuck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an unknown reaction from another human being, fearing my own reaction to the reaction of another and whatever chain reaction of reactions may ensue that would apparently be beyond my capacity to control, and fearing how I would define myself within such perceived lack of control or superstitiously see myself as defined by it while the physicality of the moment remains as constant as breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on communication others in reflection of myself, of learned helplessness within the idea of being unable to articulate something in the moment without being obliged or forced to see my own reflection within the feedback whether it takes the form of silence, avoidance, cynicism, sarcasm, aspects that are a part of myself that may lead to an indefinite continuity of points exposed that would lead to the perceived inconvenience of articulating them instead of preserving them within the suppression of judgment from the energetic stance held as layers of character behind a silent mask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my own expression in terms of lacking confidence in my voice as choice of words as being left open and vulnerable to the response and scrutiny of another which could only be supportive in terms of exposing reactions, reactions, images and fears associated with it instead of perpetuating the circuit of reaction to be stirred into possession, instead of stopping to dissect and deconstruct the reactions completely instead of remaining bound to the identity of deliberate, stubborn silence to preserve them indefinitely within the blind cultivation and of character and tunnel vision.